Steve Jobs famously said that you cannot “connect the dots looking forward; you can only connect them looking backwards. So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future.”
For me, one of those moments of clarity in connecting the dots—looking back and seeing a logic and pattern in my life and career—came with reading Sheryl Sandberg’s book, Lean In: Women, Work and the Will to Lead. The Facebook COO encourages women to “lean in” to take a seat at the head table in their careers. And while there is much I agree with in her book, I want to distinguish my views on two disparate concepts. First, do I believe women should lean in more? Heck yes! I believe everyone should lean in more to participate and have a say. Leaning back is no way to make a difference—or to feel good about yourself. Do I think women can have it all by leaning in more? Well, that’s a different story. And my feelings regarding this point are far more aligned with Princeton’s Anne-Marie Slaughter. She poignantly described a very familiar dilemma last year in The Atlantic.
“It’s time to stop fooling ourselves,” writes Anne-Marie, who left her position as the first female director of policy planning at the U.S. State Department to return to her faculty position at Princeton University, and to be closer to her family. She argues that, “The women who have managed to be both mothers and top professionals are superhuman, rich, or self-employed.” And to be honest, I believe this is by and large true—and a primary reason for the firestorm Sheryl Sandberg’s book has ignited.
As Anne-Marie reminds us, millions of working women face very difficult situations, working long hours in jobs on someone else’s schedule. Far from having it all, they are simply trying to hang on to what they have. Will these people succeed by leaning in? They certainly might end up faring better (perhaps much better!), as there are many definitions of success—from leading a project at work or starting a small business, to representing our children at a PTA meeting. However, Anne-Marie rightly points out that even leaning in heavily might not be sufficient for many women, considering the way America’s economy and society are currently (and not so ideally) structured for balancing work and family for women.
What’s important to me is that a woman who chooses to lean into her professional career has the opportunity to do so. That’s the equality we all strive for. That seat at the table, however, will not come free, and the sacrifices for women will be typically much
